/Elon’s Prayer

/It’s 11 am on a Saturday Morning / I’m freaking out / having my monthly breakdown / I'm stark naked In front of my bedroom mirror / convinced that every mole is malignant / my hemorrhoids are tumors / and I read on a forum that those white marks on my nails means that my kidneys are failing / I’m stage 4 / I'm terminal

/Who can I pray to grant me eternal life?

/F**k god I can't @ him on twitter


/Hear my Prayer

/Our Father who art in California / Elon be thy name

/Billionaires are leaving to colonise other worlds because project earth is failing and I’m sat here heavily praying that Elon Musk's Falcon will perch on my shoulder as I Scull on the surface with everyone else / Barely keeping my head above water / The falcon’s talon rips through my flesh / Just like that three eyed Little Green Man from Toy Story / As he picks me up / While I look back and watch all you other Bastards drown / While I live like Adam / One Elon Musk’s new Eden

/Or maybe if that doesn’t work out / And I can’t go to Mars / I could do something on Earth

/ I could upload myself to a computer

/And there’s a God which could help me

/Our Father who art in California / Bezos be thy name

/I could Amazon Prime the shit out of a brain-sized pickling jar / a couple of wires / a brain to USB adapter / and a saw to pop open my skull like a bottle of coke / Neo got the truth with a red pill / But I need to be lied to/ I need a Blue Pill / which only comes from the / guaranteed free / next day delivery / richest crystal ball looking billionaire in the world / Jeff Bezos

/Rip out my brain / Pickle it and plug me in / Houston please blast me off into an inner universe / Neurons scream through copper ice picks / I get to live in my perfect world / A world of my design / Anything I ever wanted / But what would that be?

/Grand Theft Auto / Jurassic Park / Final Fantasy / Fallout / Pokémon / Dragonball / None of these worlds are designed by me / They’re worlds I buy for £60 and get bored in 60 hours

/This idiot can’t imagine a world past his mouse and keyboard

/I need to find someone untainted / A monk blessed with age and a blindness to digital realities / my nan

/I plea

/If you could go anywhere / visit anything / where would you go?

/Her Nostalgia sighed / Chesty coughs from dusty memories reveal decades old adventures / She wishes that she could see some of the sights again / Then / A Miracle / Praise Lord Bezos / Because for £5 on Amazon Prime I ordered a bootleg Cardboard VR headset and you know it turned up by 11 am the following morning / So the next day I marched my way back to her house / I strapped her in and watched the smile on her gorgeous weathered face as her mind melted like a magic mushroom quiche

“ /Oooo and I’ve got an Elephant!

/Oh Christ, it’s three

/Two’s face, well the other one’s its arse

/That fella’s looking at me

/Don’t they come out with some things now?

/Oh! My god he’s walking right towards me!”

- My Nan

/God made Eve from Adam's Rib / While this 80-year-old woman made universes from pixels

/Maybe there is hope

/For thine is the kingdom

/the power

/and the glory

/For ever and ever


/Until I freak out next month anyway